From Dr. No to No Time to Die PART 4

A Non-Review of 27 films (also a cartoon series and a video game)  by Professor Popinjay

Final favorites!

Aside from gimmicky henchmen, I think my favorite villain was Christopher Lee as Francisco Scaramanga (The Man with the Golden Gun). Christopher Lee was Ian Flemming’s actual cousin for crying out loud, because of course he was! Scaramanga was dang cool aside from all the murder and stuff. He just waltzes into the office of the guy who hired him and takes over his whole operation. His manservant was Nick Nack, played by Hervé Villachaize. Don’t quote me but I’m pretty sure having Hervé in his employ officially makes Francisco Scaramanga the evil version of Mr. Rourke from Fantasy Island. At least until Malcolm McDowell takes over.

Hervé Villachaise just after I asked him to do the line from Fantasy Island.

Runner up for villains has to go to Dr. Kananga played by Yaphet Kotto in Live and Let Die. Yaphet brilliantly lends such power and confidence to the part. Every line he speaks resonates with conviction. It’s humbling to watch such a good actor nail a role like this. The only thing putting him at slot two on this two slot tier list is his ridiculous death scene which I know isn’t his fault. It’s hard to be believable when your stunt double is literally an over-inflated balloon made in your likeness. 

When you’ve had a long date and you’ve been holding in your farts for 6 hours.

Christopher Walken was a Bond villain in A Veiw to a Kill. He played it pretty straight though. He really wasn’t his quirky Walken self on camera yet. Were he to play a Bond villain today though he would definitely be my favorite.

My favorite plot would undoubtedly be from Moonraker. While I found the space laser fight rather hokey, the idea of a villain starting a “master race” in space was hilarious to me and very entertaining. Probably a bit too outrageous compared to most Bond plots. I loved Jaws’ story arc in this one too. I think Elon Musk might be a Bond villain.

I guess the shoe fits.

My favorite theme is hard to pick. There’s some themes which are great songs but I just don’t like as Bond themes. Louie Armstrong’s “We Have All the Time in the World” for example. But there are so many more songs I did love. I think I’d have to go with Tom Jones’ Thunderball. I don’t really know what it means to “Strike black thunderball” but Jones makes me feel like it’s very important and I love him for it. Dude can sing. When he and the Flaming Lips did the theme for the Duck Dodgers in the Twenty-Fourth and a Half Century I was giddy.

Fun fact: Johnny Cash actually recorded a theme for Thunderball but not-surprisingly it sounded like a theme for a Cowboy film so it wasn’t used. It’s not bad though. It sounds a lot like Riders in the Sky.

Frankly, I think it could have worked as a bond theme as is.

My second favorite theme is Shirley Bassey’s Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Sadly this was never used either since the title of the film was changed to Thunderball. Interestingly the film’s score would still include elements of Bassey’s song and makes for one of the best scores in my opinion.

Honorable mention to Weird Al for his theme from the film Spy Hard which is as great a Bond theme as any.

Of all the guys to play Bond I think my favorite is Bronson. Sorry, I mean Brosnan. He’s just who I grew up with so I guess I’m biased. I learned he was in a show called Remington Steele where he plays a kind of figurehead for a private detective agency. When I learned this I was surprised he wasn’t a shoe-in for the Bond role much earlier than he had been but when Remington Steele came out, Roger Moore was still going strong as Bond.

“Hey, Pally boy, how about a martini? No dice?”

Dear God! Could you imagine Charles Bronson as Bond!?! Although it wouldn’t have been as bad as Steven Segal. The only enjoyable thing Segal has played was the part of Cock Puncher in The Onion Movie. For the record, neither Bronson nor Segal were ever considered for the part of Bond. This has been a tangent.

Did James Bond movies have a profound effect on me and change the course of my life? I’d prefer not to think so. On the other hand, I now write under a pseudonym associated with a top-hat-and-spiral-glasses-wearing persona. Could this be the subliminal influence of my childhood admiration of Bond movie henchmen with outrageous gimmicks? Naaaaaah!

Professor Popinjay, my persona de plume spawned while in the throes of midlife crisis. Just because he runs an Antarctican school for disdainful know-it-alls doesn’t mean he’s a villain.

I know a four part autobiographical memoir about Bond movies in my life might make it seem like that’s all I ever think about but I had many other interests that took priority. I didn’t see most of these until just a few years ago. I know these films aren’t everyone’s dry martini and frankly they’re not exactly my favorite thing either. I’m just a completionist and there’s currently 27 of these babies with clear plans for more! Once I finish this article I intend to not think of them again. I’m onto Godzilla films now. There’s 39 of those bad boys! God help us!

I know this was a long one and if you read this far you have my gratitude and awestruck wonder. Thank you. Please comment! I love to read your reactions!

What does the future hold for James Bond? I’m intrigued. But that’s for another Non-review.