Guillermo Del Toro’s Pinocchio

A Non-Review by Professor Popinjay

For a while it seemed like there was a Pinocchio craze going on. All Disney has to do is fart in the general direction of some public domain intellectual property and suddenly every half-funded production company out there starts cranking out replicas for the sole purpose of confusing Grandmas at Walmart into trading their social security check for a vhs copy of Wilt Dizknee’s Peegnocheeo. It used to be a major disappointment on Christmas morning, unwrapping your present from grandma as she looked on, smoking a Marlboro with a self-satisfied smirk on her face. Hopefully the momentary wince on your own face was undetectable before you replaced it with a fake smile that did nothing to hide the pain behind your eyes. “Peegnocheeo! My (sigh) favorite.”  This wasn’t the case with my own grandma of course. She smoked Winston brand.

Miss you, Gram Gram! Rest in peace!

 But it isn’t the eighties any more. Grandmas all smoke fat spliffs now. Disney makes “live-action” soulless cash grabs out of their cherished properties and, nine times out of ten, modernize them to a degree that overshoots the entire point of the original by a long shot. I’m not even speaking politically or even political correctness or woke or asleep or whatever! Halle Bailey was great as Ariel! It makes total sense for Le Fou to be gay in Beauty and the Beast! What I mean is the point of the original animated versions instilled in us a sense of wonder and magic and turning these into hyper-realistic, non-magical dramas MISSES THAT POINT! I have the same issue with Batman movies becoming more and more realistic. These are supposed to be escapes from the dreariness and harsh realities of life not exact reflections of it. If I want that I’ll go watch Schindler’s List.

Ugly Sonic as himself in Disney’s Chip ‘n’ Dale Rescue Rangers. We know what you’re doing, Disney.

The sad part is, I think Disney knows exactly what they’re doing. They’re click-baiting us with “ugly sonic” so to speak and we are eating it right up. I think they’ve realized more buzz will be generated from a negative perspective than from a positive one. Do they plan for this or are they simply looking at the dollar signs? I don’t know for sure but this is Walt “Let’s crank out fifteen straight-to-video half-assed sequels” Disney we’re talking about here. I would not put it past them one bit.

I haven’t seen the “live action” Pinocchio. I don’t want to see the “live action” Pinocchio. I probably will see the “live action” Pinocchio while in a waiting room somewhere because, damn it, much to my chagrin, it exists and I’ll watch most anything if it’s on. But I won’t Non-review it because… well, because I’ve probably already played into Disney’s hand enough with this very article but I’ll be darned if I write any more on the matter!

So, yeah, Guillermo Del Toro’s Pinnochio is superb and I would be happy to get it instead of the Disney version from my grandma.

Well done, Guillermo.